I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
