Got a toothbrush?
i love accidental penises.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
