I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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