hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
