one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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