i just had sex bonerless
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize