you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
