i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
