The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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