i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
