i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize