I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
