I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
