i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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