I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
