just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
