But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
