I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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