So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
