I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize