Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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