Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
