Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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