Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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