Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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