So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
