if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
