I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
