You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
