I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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