I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
