with your own penis?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
