the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
