Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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