You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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