After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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