Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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