I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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