you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
