I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I deserve this hangover.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
