Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize