Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
50% drunk capacity currently
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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