omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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