i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize