I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
