if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
