I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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