Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize