I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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