mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
