"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
