I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
