really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
