I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Sorry my hands just texted you
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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