I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
