he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
