I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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