my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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