Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
